ANZ Jakarta Bintangs

Matt "MJ" Jolly (coach-in-waiting) ’Äì (aged 37) Having collected the first of what will no doubt be a string of BJ Morgan medals last year, MJ is on a roll this year with the emergence of Chris Bandy as a replacement for Andy McCann as his love bitch.  Despite still being a vegetarian, Jolly's life on the straight and narrow has otherwise gone off the rails following his recent move to central Jakarta, drinking heavily and chasing girls.  Unsuccessfully.  Last had sex around the time Lleyton Hewitt won Wimbledon, or was it Mark Edmonson winning the Aussie Open.  Recklessly threw himself into a shallow river during the Bintangs recent tour of Laos, followed by a most un-Anzac like performance, running up the white flag during the Anzac Day game in Thailand, most likely sees MJ licking his wounds on this tour from the sidelines.  May surprise with a miraculous recovery however the question remains as to whether coach-in-waiting has the mental superiority in taking the ’Äòtangs’Äô into a new era.   Either way will party long and hard. 

Chris "Bar Slut" Bandy ’Äì (aged 23) The Ego has Landed, the Bar Slut is back.  Fresh from a two-year hiatus back in Australia having images of himself tattooed across his body and making regular appearances in the gay media, the inaugural graduate of the Yogyakarta School of Footballing Excellence, swapped the small town life of Yogya, Central Java, for the big smoke of Jakarta.  The girls might be a little sharper and smarter in Jakarta, but so is he after spending his time away finishing a journalism degree and preparing for life as the Bintangs Footy Development Officer.  As a Youth Ambassador and Masters Tour coach (at age 23) Bandy is looking to achieve some success in football, which to date, has sadly mirrored his life, spectacularly unsuccessful.  He will however come into his own in the nocturnal stakes.  With a finely honed radar, combined with an Exocet guided execution strategy, the Bar Slut is looking to show the old codgers the way in aprˆ®s football activity. His experience in the gay media in Australia in fact increases his chances exponentially, remember son,  you’Äôre only gay if you push back.  Look for MJ, Sick Mick and Guru to be the beneficiaries of The Bar Slut’Äôs discards.

Steve "Barra" Barraclough ’Äì (circa 38) Thinking man's Asian footballer, Barra has lost the beard after one too many rubber glove searches travelling to the States last year.  Barra's improvement was one of the talking points of 2007.  Voted for three years in a row as the Bintang Least Likely to Use his Diplomatic Immunity. Unsuccessfully attempted to conquer the mighty Mekong River on his first Bintangs International Tour to Laos recently. May have been mentally scarred from the experience and will need encouragement to tour with the Masters, could be a late chance as he has been training the park down at Cibubur (ANZ Park), Asia’Äôs home of football.

Peter "Wally" Wallace ’Äì (Aged 42)  The man most likely to need to call on diplomatic immunity and the name most dreaded when the room allocations are being determined, Wally is a Jakarta veteran with a well-earned reputation for enjoying a tipple.  Was lost on arrival on 1999 Bangkok tour, emerging 6 days later.  Slept in the foetal position in the forward pocket during the last 5 minutes of the 2003 Asian Champs final, despite being in charge of the clipboard.  Left baggage on carousel on arrival on 2003 Hong Kong tour, yet avoided fines for turning up at Soekarno-Hatta Airport earlier that morning in a Mercedes with twin sisters with whom he'd enjoyed the night before.  Get the picture now?  How wrong we were as Wally recently toured Laos and Thailand with the ’Äòtangs and was voted number 1 for model behaviour. With Wally off the turps watch for some unusual sideline tactics as he could be looking to drive any spare ’ÄúMercedes’Äù found in Bali.  Otherwise will look for a softer wide bodied model, all part of the new Wally.  Either way will entertain with his purple undershorts which are fast becoming a Bintangs fashion statement.

Ben "The Italian Job" Clanchy ’Äì (Aged 38) Fresh from a passionate but tragically short-lived post-Jakarta love affair with Senator Amanda Vanstone, The Italian Job has now secreted his way back into Indonesia.  Released from the shackles of diplomacy, Clanchy's new life as a blood sucking lawyer allows him to unveil his true character - nasty, heartless and tough as nails.  All the perfect characteristics for the Tangs' hard-running and physical ruckman.  Will be right in amongst it when the going gets tough, particularly as he has been handed the honour of captain for this tour.  Is reportedly looking for a James Bond type to re-create last years infamous photo shoot on Kuta Beach when he posed as Ursula Andress, resplendent in a white bikini, recreating the 1962 James Bond film Dr NO.   For the meagre price of Rp 50,000 you can secure this priceless shot and a Bintangs 2008 calendar. The Italian Job will be arriving in Bali a day early, reportedly to secure further media and calendar signing opportunities.

Brian "BC" Cellars ’Äì (Aged 43) Travelling to Bali to explore business opportunities after dumping his plan to build a backpackers hostel in Kiev, Ukraine, this Orange Revolutionist is one of the longest-standing Bintangs.  Expect hard running and tough tackling from the backline from a consistent player who ten years on remains the #1 rated Canadian Australian Footballer in Jakarta.  A cunning linguist, he recently toured with the ’Äòtangs to Thailand via Japan, reportedly in a bizarre tale of teacher stalks student, in order to entice a former Japanese English student from Jakarta to migrate to Canada.   BC’Äôs travel plans and accommodation are usually shrouded in secrecy but look for another Mr Sheen performance, polished, late night gigolo, and consummate grass cutter.  His experience with the Bintangs has given him the nous to make the right move at the right time, yes when all the chicks are tanked and looking for a taxi ride, BC starts the Victa.

Liam "Sledge" Hammer ’Äì (Aged 36) With the departure of John O Williams, Sledge is now indisputably the slowest footballer in Asia.  Has been bronzed several times, carved by sculptors and sanded by carpenters mistaking him for an inanimate object.  Sledge is part of a reality TV experiment that places out of work former rodeo clowns as schoolteachers in a bizarre social experiment derived from the Montessorian principle that kids should learn at their own pace so it doesn't matter if their teacher is a bozo who lights his own pubic hair.  Will look to self emolate (set himself on fire) on any given occasion. Beware this man is dangerous and unpredictable, highly unstable when fully fuelled.

Marzio "Muzza" Da Re ’Äì (Aged 53) The most regularly naked Italian since La Cicciolina, Muzza looks a  yard faster since dumping the most famous moustache in Asian footy and, now touring with players more resembling his age bracket, is finally set to receive some game time that his form warrants.  Despite his advancing years, no Tang will hit harder or attack the ball with more gusto than Muzz.  Reportedly failed in his hunting endeavours to demolish elephants and Tigers on the Lao and Thailand tour.  He did succeed however in a bizarre attempt to score a ’Äòheader’Äô in the handball competition to raise funds for the legless, succeeding only to almost decapitate himself in the process.  In acts of stupidity on tour will be hard act to follow.

Craig "Toasted Ham and Cheese" Senger ’Äì (Aged 35ish) - Little is known about this man, other than that he is working at Austrade, promoting Australia's newest growth industries in Indonesia - people smuggling and narcotics.  When announcing the Bali 9’Äôs tour, Craig, thinking outside the 50 metre arc, thought this was a perfect opportunity to promote Austrade when the Free Trade Agreement is ratified.  Craig wants to secure contracts from our entrepreneurs domiciled in Kerobokan Prison to import drugs from Australia and export people in return, all on cheap rusty boats with no fancy overheads.  Some might call it a Black and Gold Strategy, blindly simple. This is truly an outstanding win-win situation, one for which the Bintangs will retain any available Export Market Grants. As for the footy, Craig comes in as a virgin Bintangs tourist, Keen as Mustard (love that one) having just completed a season of the game they play in heaven.  Dare I say it, in his first game of Aussie footy ’Äòthe Senger’Äô is looking forward to taking a hanger, in his first outing as a tanger. 

Ken "Koala" Allan ’Äì (Aged 52) - One of the founding fathers of the club, a life member and the bloke whom the Clubman of the Year is named after, Kenny has done it all, mostly in a pair of bike shorts and a VB singlet.  Kenny is like the Robert De Niro of the club -
Godfatheresque, tough, uncompromising and universally respected.  The only difference is he doesn't ask "Are you talking to me?", because when Ken is around, nobody gets a word in.  Will gather most fines for poor fashion.  At time of publishing may tour, may not as the VB singlet is getting a bit faded and tight, and the lycra bike shorts have stretched beyond manufacturers recommendations.

Tim ’ÄúThe Hak’Äù Hakfoort (Aged 44)  - The Hak, raconteur and Bintangs leviathan sees little on field activity nowadays claiming a dodgy knee which gets particularly painful just about when we are about to play the Lizards (Geckos). Has been away recently taking in secret visits to Australia, Japan and Europe, using the club Lear jet of course, exhaustively researching and applying new technologies in an effort to convince the Lizards that he was crudely dealt with  during a 2004 tour.  The Lizards claim, somewhat sheepishly I might add, that the Hak used his face to viciously attack the elbow of one of their players, an incident which to date remains unresolved and has the propensity to erupt like Krakatoa.  Has recently managed to convert the available, albeit grainy footage, from Super 8 to VHS format in a ground breaking technological development.  On the back of this exciting development the Hak has engaged the Italian Job, pro bono of course, to force a substantial out of court settlement from the Lizards based on his reduced capacity for future earnings.  The reportedly destitute Lizards have made a ’Äòwithout prejudice’Äô settlement offer in the form of hessian bags of Aceh Gold.  The sticking point remains with their request to retain exclusive trafficking rights in Bali and across the Archipaelago as they claim they are good at it. The Hak will manage the clipboard on this tour and, as expected will grace the nightspots where only the good looking people are allowed.

Damien ’ÄúSmouch or Big Noodle’Äù Smith ’Äì (Aged 35) - Despite his youthful looks Smouch or Big Noodle has just qualified for Masters Footy. After attaining all-Asian selection in last years Asian Champs in Thailand the Big Noodle is now looking for mature age recognition in Masters Footy, a noble or somewhat stupid thought.  Rarely do the Bintangs tour with such rucking talent including the triumvirate of Messrs Elbows, Italian Job and the Big Noodle, a brigade which should give the tangers an armchair ride in the ruck department.  Unfortunately travels infrequently with the tangs nowadays, preferring to finally take his engineering qualifications seriously. With his current AUSAID funded project in resolving the Big Durian’Äôs traffic woes, he literally has time and money on his side, well partner Nerida has the AUSAID funding covered.  In a cleverly devised and contrived contract, the Big Noodle’Äôs exit clause is fixed to when the West Coast Eagles become relevant again, or was it when the Jakarta monorail will be completed, either way it’Äôs a ten year plan.  Look for the Big Noodle to do some serious damage both on and off the park, possibly won’Äôt surface until Monday if the Hong Kong tour last year is any indicator.

Steve ’ÄúElbows’Äù Barber ’Äì (Aged 39) - Arguably the second most famous elbow in Asian football history and Jakarta’Äôs most multi-skilled sporting identity.  Big Barbs makes a welcome return to the Bintangs tour after being buoyed by inflicting sporting routes in Jakarta recently at Rugby and Cricket.  The Elbow is now looking for a bit of facial action however opposition teams would be aware of a flaw in his game , a flaw which became evident last year when worked over in an intra-club match by another Bintang with a cleverly concealed and deft rapier like round-arm which saw Barbs drop like the proverbial bag of spuds.  Plays hard and straight, with a raking left foot will outperform in this company if given sufficient air time.    

Dave ’Äúthe Butcher’Äù Edwards ’Äì (Aged 37) - Equally at home roaming the half back line or kicking goals up forward, the Butcher is the class act of the tangs. His unassuming off field style belies his on field performance.  Whilst the tangs simply outperform off the park, the Butcher is methodically taking young son Max through stretching exercises, warm down drills, replaying football videos and feeding him other statistical data. The hierarchy of the Bintangs will look to this tour to charm the Butcher into accepting a future as Captain of the tangs, a position richly deserved.  To stitch the deal up the Tangs are prepared to offer young Max a contract which, at the age of 3, is another first for the tangs who remain, arguably, Asia’Äôs most innovative football club. The Butcher, will be a contender for BoG on field, off field needs to work on some larrikin antics. 

Ed ’ÄúSidewinder’Äù Windle ’Äì (Aged 36) - Another member who is making his first tour and appearance as a tanger having recently graduated from a five year covert training program with Jemaah Islamiyah in Central Java.  With JI now on the ropes, the sidewinder is now deployed to more leisurely pursuits, reportedly doing his best work in confined spaces with a strong preference for late night balcony activity.  Will be interesting to see if he actually gets to a training session or will he be rushed into the side sight unseen. Off field look for the sidewinder to be unveiled on unsuspecting punters, hopefully chicks.  Could rival the Bar Slut in off field activity but untested in this company and will be better for the experience.
Leon "Gruncle" Mayers ’Äì(Aged 38) - Never to be underestimated, the Bintangs' youngest great uncle (gruncle) is still relishing from his blistering pace set at the Yogyakarta Stalled Gift where he overwhelmed young Bintangs hopefuls in a pre-season workout.  Like a seasoned prizefighter Gruncle chooses his tours and games carefully.  After seeing this winning performance people were quick to note the uncanny similarities between old Satu Lagi and Mr Perpetual Motion himself, John "Cocktails" Williams.  Look for those pistons pumping up and down the outer wing at Canggu.  One thing that no one doubts is that lethal Leon will be most lethal at post game celebrations, bring on the King Browns and dare to go head to head at your peril.
Dan ’ÄúChopper’Äù Raymond ’Äì (Aged 35) - A reformed tree hugger, Chopper has bucked global trends by developing new technologies that rapidly increase deforestation in the Big Dunia. Being the son of a lumber jack, Chopper makes no distinction between virgin rainforests and stumpy little mid-fielders, taking pleasure in felling them all. Should be solid both on and off the field. Welcome to the Bintangs Dan, our first lumberjack’Ķ..’Ķ’Ķ.. and the big question is, will he lead the Bintangs when the music begins ’Ķ’Ķ..I’Äôm a lumberjack and I’Äôm OK, I sleep all night and I work all day, I cut down trees I skip and jump and I go to the lavatory’Ķ’Ķ’Ķ’Ķ on Sundays I go shopping in suspenders and a bra’Ķ’Ķguess it all goes down here from there but tangers are looking to unearth a modicum of talent on this tour and Dan could be the surprise packet at his first outing.
Peter ’ÄòLofty’Äô Elliott ’Äì (Aged 52) - Lofty is one of the genuine hard men of the tangs with the Masters being his signature tournament.  Be prepared to let him concentrate on his indisputable pace and silky all-round skills.  Will endeavor to drop kick at every opportunity and ground skills will see him attacking the fringes of the packs and the beer esky with single minded intensity and undivided devotion.  Expect a will-o-the-wisp performance, although to the untrained and the uniformed, may liken Lofty more to a barrel and not a six pack, although it’Äôs not immediately obvious. Has a voracious appetite for the game and could be described as the Journeyman of Asian Football, he’Äôll turn up anywhere for a game, well will promise to and on occasions will deliver, a founding member of the tangs and deserving of star billing.

Michael "Sick Mick/Chunder Down Under" Bourke ’Äì (aged 15) - A man accustomed to world firsts as the first human being born 8 1/2 months premature to live and the first person sent overseas on an expat package at the age of 12, Sick Mick is water boy on this tour and within the body of a jockey lies the heart of Phar Lap, albeit a very sensitive and frisky Phar Lap. With conditions at Canggu expected to be devastatingly hot and humid, look out for Mick to be where he is so often - bent over, head in a bucket.  If he can keep the chunder inside, Mick will be found instead skirting the packs offering water and encouragement and telling the old @#$% to harden the @#$% up after following his near death experience at a training session at Cibubur recently when he was pole axed into the ground.  Hard as nails, Sick Mick was carted off the hospital and claimed to have received 50 stitches via a plastic surgeon although some suspect he may have asked to for an enhancement full well knowing that a Bali tour was imminent. Has fast become a cult figure at the Bintangs.

Jason "Guru" Moynihan ’Äì  (aged 30) - Guru, a non player on this tour will be deployed to Bali early and responsible to whip the thronging media into frenzy in anticipation of Bintangs  arrival, as well as to engage in usual pre match subterfuge.  Has credibility written all over him and will hang out at all the cool places, be culturally sensitive and, as previously reported, is the only Bintang that possesses a sound moral compass. Was fined on the Lao tour for not closing on a deal that appeared signed and sealed but left undelivered. Expected to go one better on this tour in the goal kicking stakes.  In order to outmanoeuvre Bandy will attend Canggu with a coterie group of his own, attending to pesky journalists which could distract the budding coach in the form of the Bandi-coot.  This time Guru is in a no-nonsense mood to satisfy Bandy’Äôs insatiable appetite for self promotion. 

Bring it on and let the games begin.

Best wishes to all the teams for the Bali Masters and remember Masters Footy motto.  Footy and Fellowship ’Äì in equal proportions